The Best From Red's Mail Bag

The following are some of my favorite e-mail letters from Redheads around the globe.

 


Red-

Have listened to you on Stern for years--you are pee-in-your (own) pants funny. I just wish that my dad was still around so that he could listen to your cd's that I've ordered.

Thanks for the laughs--I'm going to switch my husband's Sinatra tape with yours.

Take Care,
Karen Shaw


Yo Red,

I have regularly played New Cape Cod on my radio show "HaHa the KKLown's Circus of Perversion" on WKKL, politically correct Cape Cod Community College's student-run station. Dude, I'm a straight middle-aged Caucasoid and my show is a goof...strictly tongue-in-cheek "outsider" music so your tunes fit right into my format and the peeps here luv ya'.

Apparently last week though, I offended a real douchebag who objected to "asshole tourists" and the gay references about P'town. He also complained about the fact that I played the late deranged psychotic Wesley Willis's tune I Smoke Weed because it made references to a semi-automatic handgun and his drug abuse. "Ian Ryan" (sounds like an obvious pseudonym to me) however, didn't have the balls to call me on the air studio request line or contact my station manager, but instead sent a nasty letter to my sponsor, the owners of Hearth 'N Kettle Restaurants, The Cape Codder Resort, and the Dan'l Webster Inn.

As you obviously know, this ain't Patti Page's Old Cape Cod. God forbid, we can't insult the asshole tourists, or the rich business owners who greedily suck up their vacation dollars. Many tourist-related crimes don't appear in the local media in the summertime

The worst that can happen is that I may have to send a letter of apology for offending "Ian Ryan" to H 'N K's management company and they'll probably withdraw their sponsorship from my show. However I'll stay on the air and continue to play your tunes. Fuck political correctness. I believe in free speech and loathe censorship.

I just dl'd Jalalabad from the RP website. I'm listening and laughing my nuts off as I write this letter. I met the guys in Orpheus in '68-'69. They were Worcester boys and I dropped acid and partied with them when I was then a student at Worcester Junior College, AKA "Whoopie J". Can't Find the Time is pretty tame compared to their psychedelic stuff. It's now an oldies pop standard that's often requested at wedding receptions. But your version is "right on" bro. Very funny and timely IMHO.

I didn't mean to ramble on. I just wanted to let you know about my experience with New CC. I know that you wrote it for fun, with no malice in mind. That's why I play it and once I get your new CD, I'll keep playing Red Peters here on the New Cape Cod.

thanx,
Dave Bailey AKA HaHa the KKLown


Hey Red,

I purchased the CD "I laughed..I cried..I fudged my undies" and it has to be one of the best CDs I own. I sit in so much traffic and the CD puts me in such a great mood in the afternoons (and during commercial breaks on Howard) - keep up the work!

Take care,
Stephanie


Mr Red Peters (if I may be so bold),

Many years ago on an excursion to Tower Records to buy some 45's (you remember, black with a big hole in the middle, not unlike Marvin Gaye) I saw a record titled Blow Me. What could this be? Hell, I gots to have it. I buy a copy and take it home for a listen. Am I really hearing what I thought I heard? I played it again and again. I couldn't believe my ears. I went back to Tower in NYC and bought the remaining 5 copies. I put one in a jukebox in Antoines Tavern under the label of Tiffany's "I think we're alone now". It made music history by being the most played tavern song ever in the world. The uninitiated young woman folk of the tavern would be cajoled into playing ITWAN thinking it would be a sweet little song. A moment of confusion followed by shock, horror, embaressment (OH MY GOD, EVERYONE KNOWS I PLAYED THIS SONG AND THEY ARE LOOKING AT ME!!!) and hysterical laughter. Quarter after quarter fed the jukebox. Sometimes the owners Danny and Tony would have to empty the coin box 2 or 3 times a night so it wouldn't overflow. The 80s, that was a decade.

Progress eventually came to Cranford and they got those new compact discs. No Red Peters. No matter how hard we tried, that 45 would not play on the CD player. Even spray painting it silver didn't help. We would listen to the Tiffany CD and remember fondly the words we knew to be the true words to "I think we're alone now". Finally Al Gore got off his ass and invented the internet and someone (probably Dr. Google) invented Google and I found out that BLOW ME IS ON one of those new fangled CDs. I'm going to the Amazon to order it. I don't know why it is only available in the Amazon but if that is what it takes, then I'm getting a ticket, learning Amazonian and hopping on a plane. I hope there aren't any crocodiles there, I'm not too fond of them, but that is a different story. I'm just so thrilled that you are still putting out hit after hit and I can once again listen to your crooning about squeezing balls and blowing loads.

Your oldest and most loyal fan,
Bill "Blow Me" King

PS, If you're ever in Cranford, NJ I'd be pleased to buy you a beer at Antoines, home of the hit single, Blow Me.


Dear Red,

Thanks for your timely response and support for HaHa the KKLown's/my dilemma. He and his "Circus of Perversion" are now history and I'm on "hiatus" from WKKL...I've been doing audio production and running sound for the Barnstable Comedy Club, a local theater group, to stay busy and out of trouble.

Apparently free speech comes with hidden costs. The "hospitality professional" (a P'town public toilet attendant?) who complained about my airing of New Cape Cod on Memorial Day to my sponsor Catania Hospitality Group quoted "asshole tourists", "dinks.......", and "If you drop...." in a scathing letter that landed on the desk of Cape Cod Community College's president Kathleen Schatzberg who I met with along with WKKL's g.m. and radio broadcasting instructor Lisa Zinsius this past Wednesday.

As soon as Zinsius found out that "Red" recorded NCC she replied "Oh, the FCC's going after him too!" I don't have a scanner so I can't send you a copy but I'm sure that you would find it and CHG's managing partner Frank Catania's reply interesting. Malicious and vicious stuff. Complaints, sponsorship withdrawl, and consequently numerous apologies from CCCC. What torture! I felt like I was in a meeting with Joseph Goebbels and chairman Mao. I thought that I was going to be keehauled. Ironically, Schatzberg is going to China next week to "study" their college system.

Schatzberg's first comment to me was "This is not a free speech issue." But she went on to explain that we can't say anything that would insult tourists and the hospitality industry here on new Cape Cod. ESPECIALLY the tourist industry. Hmmmmmm...

Rather than stand up for my rights and cause problems for my fellow student DJs I agreed to send letters of apology to both parties since they were offended by my actions. However, I won't apologize for playing the song. The first tune I'll play when I go back on-air will be How's Yer Whole.

BTW Bill O'Neill the entertainment "editor" from our largest daily toiletpaper, the Cape Cod Times wrote an article that appeared in Wednesday's edition on Cape Cod summer-type songs. Of course Patti Page's Old Cape Cod was #1. They also mentioned The Freeze, a local 80s punk band's I Hate Tourists, a nasty little ditty that resulted in lead singer/student/DJ Clif Hanger's immediate dismissal from WKKL. But no mention was made of your heartwrenching rendition. Hmmmmmm....Clinton gets a blowjob, writes a book that'll make him million$ and we creative types get raked over hot coals.

Dude, I'd like to take you up on your offer of a gratis copy of I Can't Say These Things. I DL'd the original and could bleep it with Cool Edit Pro but I'd rather to see what you've done with it. I think it's hilarious and I hope that it's getting airplay. An autographed photo or poster for my studio would be super kewl and greatly appreciated.

I'm rounding up some great vocal talent (including my own pathetic self) and will be producing some demos soon. I want to be Cape Cod's voicepimp. Quite frankly I need the work and the $$$. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I may be low-rent but I produce quality product thanks to God, his bitch Bill Gates, and mp3.

In closing, I can honestly say that the "Circus" shows were some of my best on-air and production work. R.I.P HaHa the KKlown.

thanks again,
Dave Bailey


Mr. Peters,

First of all, I want to thank you for your 10 Second National Anthem that I first heard on Stern. It is both patriotic and humorous at the same time. It truly was one of the only things to make me, and many others, laugh in the aftermath of the 9/11/01 tragedies. I commend you for your patriotic work. You've made millions laugh in these past many years and I hope you don't let these filthy-cunt terrorists change your out-put of high quality humor. I wish you'd put more shit on the Stern show. You need to make more appearances there too. How about some anti terrorist/Osama/Taliban/etc. songs to say to those filthy pricks a big "Fuck You!"? Again, I'd like to say thanks for all the laughs and keep it up.

-Mr. Poon
Boston, MA.


Red -

Wanted to let you know that I just came back from our first annual "Blow Me Open" golf outing in Wisconsin. Every bad shot, missed putt or shanked drive was followed by a rousing "Blow Me"

If you're in the Wisconsin area next summer, we'd love to have you. (I'll even pay your air fare and expenses - We only golf at the best courses and there is a fantastic Steak House in the Dells) Here's how the Blow Me Open came to be:

5 years ago 3 customers and I were in a small bar in the Wisconsin Dells after a day of golfing. We heard "Blow Me" for the first time on the jukebox. By the end of the evening, we had played it over 40 times, learned all the words and sang it with gusto as our beer consumption increased and we closed the joint. I searched high and low for the next 4 years trying to find this wonderful song. I called record stores, sheepishly asking, "Do you have Blow Me?" Some replies are unprintable.

Anyways, a few months ago, I'm on Amazon - I type in Blow Me and to my enjoyment 17 song titles appear. Yours was a few of them. I ordered CD's for my customers and we planned our inagural outing at the same course and bar we first discovered this American Classic. I made up Golf shirts with our company logo on the chest and "Blow Me Open 2001" (with a big old pair of lips" on the arm. All in all, a fantastic time.

Sorry this note is so long. Just wanted to let you know how much we enjoyed your first disc and how during our drive up North we became acquainted with your newest and greatest songs. "Doggy Style" and "Get the Fuck out" received a lot of play on the course.

Keep up the great work! Let us know when you're going to be in town and if you ever want to partake of our Annual event (I'm serious about paying your way - my expense account is pretty big),

Blow Me!!!
Tom L.
VP Marketing


Red-

I am Saddened to inform you of the death of my copy of "I laughed, I cried, I fudged My undies" by a cheap wal mart brand CD player. My friends wanted to hear it so i brought it to a party and we loaded it up half way through "The two gay Irish men" the cd player started to smoke and melted my prized cd inside. That cd player met the tire of my Dodge truck that night.

I have perchased Old Blue Balls Is Back and it is very good, but i miss the classics like Blow Me (you hardly even know me) and The ballad of a dog named Stains. Now whenever I see Those friends I play The Spelling song Just for them. I still cant find I Laughed I cried I fudged my undies anywhere and it sucks.

Thanks Red,

Mike P.
Ishpeming, MI


Hello Red,

I must say this is the funniest shit I have heard in a long time. I am a sideman for many original Rock n Roll groups and bass player for the Platters. They are located in Arlington Ma. When My band travels on the road I have your music making the trip enjoying. I like the volume 3 album but I must say the first one takes the cake. What orchestration! The arrangements are fantastic. Also when Red pukes on stage and fudges his undies we die laughing. Brilliant !! The layout, the singers, the band is perfect..What more can I say. I wonder If I can impose on you to include you on my wall of fame. I have autograph pictures and posters, 45 records and cd's on my wall in my studio of 50s and 60s RnR bands I have played with, recorded and or opened up for and I would very much like an autographed picture of you. If this is at all possible could you send me one?? I'll be the ( penis ) envey of all my cronnies. Keep on playing and when you are in New York ( long island area) I will bring the band out to see you appear. Thanks for all the laughs...I'll give you my addresss just in case you can send a autographed picture....Thanks

Pete G.
Commack NY


Hey Red

I chase my teenage kid's friends out of my house with track 15 on "OL BLUE BALLS". Waitin on CD number 3.

You Da Man!
Mike


Just a quick note from one of your many mentally unhinged admirers. We are grateful that you have that gushy, soft spot in your brain that keeps you firmly in the kooky world. You make us laugh, you lift our spirits, and you remind us of the inherent dangers of inhaling kitchen cleaning products.

God bless you...Red Peters!

Lee C.


I just wanted to say great job. I really enjoy all of your songs. I sing karaoke, and every time i sing one of your songs it really pleases me,the crowd and makes everyone happy. Thanks for adding the karaoke tracks to your cds. Keep up the great work o'l blue balls...

thanks,
Keith


My Dear Red,

I live in San Diego, but I travel for work & I've spread your music across the country. I must have bought 20 or more of your CDs. I seem to quote you so much, that I've resorted to handing out your CDs so people don't think I'm completely insane (or at least not the only insane one).

I use the phrase "Blow me" often at work. It's usually me & 50 guys, so "Blow me" is something they understand. It's not anatomically possible, yet it gets my point across...perfectly. Whenever I see a full moon, I involuntarily break out in a "red"ition of "You promised the moon". My little brother even slipped "Rocket in my pants" into the musical lineup for his wedding reception. His new wife was pissed, but what could she say when all the old folks rushed to the dance floor? We've got some great video of our Dad dancing with the Mother of the Bride to "Rocket in my pants". And whenever I quote your line "Did you know the chicken is the only species that eats with it's pecker?" I'd better have your CD handy (so to speak).

I've taken both your CDs & burned one with the songs in the order I want them. This makes it much easier to introduce your music to newbies. After all, it does take a refined ear & a nimble mind to really appreciate a song like "The 2 gay Irishmen" or "The first time that I met you". If you ever get around to compiling a "Best of the Big Red Peters" album, I've got a few suggestions. Of course, I hope that you'll use your time more productively by churning out some brand new stuff.

You would no doubt find some inspiration if you visited San Diego for the annual "Over the line" tournament. It's a ball & bat game that is played exclusively in San Diego, and only 2 weekends a year (in July). There are 4 players per team & it's the names of those teams that are responsible for keeping the game a local phenomenon & virtually unchanged for many years. After all, ABC Sports can't actually air a match between teams called "3 Jerks & Squirt" & "The Episiotomy Stitch Lickers". At least not on a Saturday afternoon. I know that your sick mind would love it & it would no-doubt provide you with endless inspiration.

Anyway, thanks for all the entertainment. Every time I listen to your music, it makes me laugh, or at least smile real big. Its comforting to know that there is at least one other mind in the universe that's as sick as mine.

You brighten my world.
Thanks,


Red;

I first heard "Holy Shit It's Christmas" on WYPX ( PYX 106). I loved the song, so I bought the CD, and loved the entire cd! It was great. The other night I was in Albany, and heard "The Closing Song" and I have to admit, it was really fucking humorous ( pardon my language, did I just swear?) and I bought "Old Blues Balls is Back" I have to admit, you exceeded my expectations on your second album. it's awsome!! I hope that you may come back to Albany sometime, and maybe even up north, to SUNY Potsdam.

talk to you later
slacker


Mr. Peters,

I enjoyed your first CD so much that, for the past five years, I've faithfully checked the comedy section in the record store just in case another were to come out. Well much to my delight I discovered a new album last month and proceeded to shit myself right there in the store. Seriously, I had to actually leave to wipe the shit out from my pants before returning to buy your CD. The sales clerks remembered me on the way in and tried to form a human shield to stop me, but luckily I have a strong right forearm (ahem) and was able to break through. Boy was your album worth my trouble! I loved the songs and commercials, and was especially happy to finally get my hands on a recording of "Take It Out At The Ballgame," a longtime radio favorite of mine.

I only wish I had seen your website earlier so I could have found out about the release and saved myself the trouble of shitting in the record store, but hey, at least the album came out! I can't really complain.

Anyway, congrats on the new CD, and I'll look for more in the future. You've got a fan for life!

Sincerely,
Don R.


Hey Red,

My dad and I have been fans ever since we heard you on Opie and Anthony's show on AAF a few years ago. That night I went out and bought your cd and I haven't been the same since! The unreleased songs on the website rule too!

Much Respect
Josh


Just listened to your new cd last night. I think it's a brilliant piece of work. I thought i was going to fudge my undies, i was laughing so hard. I especially enjoyed "doggy style" and "i wanna polka polka". I only wish "the closing song" was around when i was tending bar. Keep up the good work.

Give my regards to Alan Pinchloaf.
Bob S., Weymouth, MA


Red,

As I was in the middle of a homicidal rampage with my family I heard through the voices your song "I just wanta'poke her"! It made me stop garroting my wife and I found serenity and peace, just for a moment, I promptly resumed my activities!


Sincerely your Bill Clinton


Red

I've listened to your songs at a friends house every Chistmas during his tree trimming party for the past 15 years and I've got to tell ya, we all lose it with the lyrics.......Especially "How's your whole" and "Holy Shit, it's Christmas!" It just wouldn't be X-Mas if we didn't here those songs! Even my children who I believe are too young to listen to your songs get a kick out of the them. My friend Paul loses it everytime your on Howard or when we go camping and play your tunes. Just thought I'd send an e:mail to show you that we appreciate your music....................................


Fish


red

got the new cd from two of the guys that work for me for my bd.........lots of good shit! the commercials are great..I may play them for my background music when people are on hold.....they may not like it but screw em, its my company!

by the way,(and this is the truth) "Blow Me" is our company song, and we played it at our company Christmas Party at the Short Hills Hilton....the bartender was laughing his ass off...


tony L.


Dear Red,

I want to share this little tid-bit that changed my life with you. About a week after I had met my girlfriend, I made her listen to I laughed, I cried...... , I played You Promised The Moon, she was so overcum with emotion, that she gave me a handy right there on the spot, while I was driving on I-95...After we got home, she prefered for me to enter through the backdoor. Red, I want to thank you, now, my wife and I screw like a pack of ass-rapping monkeys from kerplochikstan when we listen to your CD's.


Carl C., Port Orange Florida


Dear Red,

I have great respect for intelligence and different perspectives. It is the mundane and pedestrian, when viewed askew that truly belies an open mind and a funny outlook . Keep up the good work

Regards,
Johnny C.


Hey......I'm a big fan, I heard You on Howard Stern And Now I own Both your CD's... I love your music and think your cool.. Me and my wife love to listen to you when we feel down...you always make us smile.

Thanks buddy
David & Tischia


How about this Red?

How's your Cunt.......agious disease? How's your cunt.....agious disease?


Jason, Westchester


Red,

Man, you are the best!!! I'm a 12 year old girl, and I first discovered your I Laughed, I Cried, I Fudged My Undies cd because of a REALLY screwed up friend. here's the story - A couple of weeks ago,I lost my cat and my mom made me go out and find him. Since my friend Alex was the last person out of my house, I called him thinking that maybe he had accidently let him out. He said no, but offered to help look for the cat. So, we met up the street, and we looked for the cat, creating stories about how all the lawn gnomes in people's yards came to life at midnite, and were probably holding my cat hostage cos they needed him for an orgy (i guess you can say we're both really screwed up, but that's good.) We were both laughing our heads off when we came to a friend's yard where his grandma was outside, gardening. She told us that my mom had found the cat at the beach in front of my house. So Alex said, "hey Sophia, did you ever hear of Red Peters?" I said, "do you mean the Red Hot Chilli Peppers?" and said, "no,no, Red Peters. come over for a while, and listen to the cd." So i went with him to his house, he got his cd player and the cd, and plugged it in next to his front stairs. We both sat down, and he played Blow Me. At first, he would'nt let me see the lyric booklet, so I thought it was a romantic song, asking to "be mine" or something like that, so I was pretty suspicious, cos that's not his style. When I first heard the beginning of blow me, i was like, "why are you making me listen to classical music? and why do you even have a classical cd?" Red, imagine my surprise when all I hear is "blow me. you hardly even know me." I was hysterical with laughter. I was laughing so much, that i couldnt even hear it anymore. When i finally got over the shock, I listened to the whole cd with him. The even funnier thing is that our ex-principal lives in the house right next to him. She was REAL mean and did some bad stuff, so she was fired, but for some reason, she is always spying on my friend to see what he's doing. Well, at one point, he was like, "sophia, shut up, dont laugh or sing too loud, because our ex-principal is home." I was like,"so what? I've always been an honors student, so i wont get in big trouble, and whats she gonna do? - conduct card us?" So that's when I decided to act really stupid, and ran up to her open window, singing, "come stains....." It was ridiculous. So after we finished listening to the cd, we went out back, and just hung out. He brought the cd with him, and all of a sudden, he was like, "sophia, i forgot to play a very special song especially for you." and he played "Rocket In My Pants." I was like, "if this is supposed to be romantic, ummm thanx." He laughed and I found out that he had gotten the cd from his uncle; when he went to visit his uncle in Boston, he gave him the cd. Well, later, our other friend brittany came over, and we played the cd for her, laughing the whole way. We all started dancing pretty crazily to some songs, and had a blast. 2 days ago, Alex, actually let me borrow the cd, and i am really happy about that. I love the 2 fudge songs. I also really like Alan Pinchloaf's voice, and plan on playing Blow me at my wedding, when i get married. No offense, but I think it would be better to play the original, and not the instrumental, just to see the look on people's faces. I was wondering where I could get both Red Peters cds, other than online. I was also wondering if you are ever coming to New Bedford, Mass - where i live.(it's about an hour and a half from boston) I've let a lot of my friends listen to your cd, and everyone LOVES it (i guess you can say all my friends are really screwed up too.) So, in conclusion, I'm really happy you make these songs, and keep up the good work. I just wish that more adults were smart enough to know this - YOU CAN NEVER BE TOO OLD TO HAVE SOME FUN!!! Well, thanx a lot Red, for everything,from me and all my friends. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo!

PLEASE write back!

Sincerely,
Sophia-Isabel E.


Dear Mr. Peters,

I borrowed your CD [I Laughed, I Cried, I Fudged My Undies] from a friend, and I listened to the whole Cd over and over I LOVE IT!!!! It Is So Funny!!!! I think you should make some more albums like this one. I LOVE YOUR CD!!!!

Sincerely,
A Most Dedicated Fan


Hey Red!

Enjoy your work. I bowhunt with 8 guys every year in Northern Wisconsin near Crivitz and we've memorized every word that you sing for the last 12 years. I've heard "Blow me" played at several of my friends weddings. (The instrumental, of course)

Do you think you'll ever cut a collection of hits geared at the outdoorsman? "Muskie santa" would be a winner. (sung to the tune of "Must be santa...") It goes something like this..

Who's got a treblehook in his head?
-big fat gut and a nose that's red?
Who's always out there look'n for a bite,
casting his mepps by the pale moonlight?

in his head!
nose that's red!
look'n for a bite,
pale moon light!
Muskie santa, Muskie santa, Muskie santa, santa clause! (well you get the gist of it it)

Thanks!
Bob M.


Hi Red, I just want to let you know the kick we get out of your songs at work They make the time go by better. We really like The ballard of a Dog Named Stains. Keep up the good work.

Thanks
Mark P.


hay red, im your biggest fucking fan. im 13 and ive been listening to u ever science i could remember. for instants, when i heard "Come Stains" i named my dog Stains and on your second CD when you had the "Call to the Pope" and he wanted the blow me handkerchiefs i made some blow me handkerchiefs and sold them on ebay. so i was just wondering if you could send me an autographed picture.

thank you.
m.camerlengo, plainedge, ny


Hey Red!

You are the most kickass entertainer EVER!!! Your songs are the FUNNIEST things I have EVER heard. Keep up the excellent work!!!


Tim F., College Student, Iowa


Dear Red,

Ever since I heard you on the Howard Stern show, I haven't stopped singing your tunes. You have made my boyfriend and me closer than ever.

Love and kisses,
Jennifer


hanging head(s) Well Red, you got me there. After all the great shit Santa has brought me over my 33 years, I figured that a handy was the least I could do for the old boy. Lord knows Mrs. Claus isn't putting out the way she used to as a youngster! Keep pumping the Johnson, buddy. Looking forward to more excellent tunes in the future!


TCP.


A Special Note of Thanks

Dear Mr. Peters:

I am a loyal Howard Stern fan. I am taking this time to thank you as personally as I can for making my day. I work as a postal carrier and you really helped relieve the stress that builds up on the workroom floor. I am a new RED PETERS fan and even as I sit here trying to write you this e-mail, my wife is singing How's Your Whole Family. Once again, I wish to thank you for all your great songs.

Alfonso
"the not so disgruntled mailman".


He's A Pig

I bought your album after checking out the website after seeing an ad in SPIN mag. One thing to say. YOU ARE A SICK MAN. And I love it!

A sick chick,
Lauren.


Serial Killer

Red,

I'm a news cameraman for an O&O in LA. 2 years ago I was traveling in Louisiana on the trail of a serial killer named Rodgers. I was in a bar trying to interview a local girl whose friend was killed by this guy. (He was just sentenced to die in FL last week.) A local drunk didn't want us in the bar, so he put on BLOW ME on the jukebox. It was a great tune. You could hear it all through the interview. The reporter and I tried to find it when we got back L.A. Everyone thought we were nuts....Then I heard you on the Stern show a few weeks back & ordered it. It is the biggest hit with all the cameramen at my station.

It was worth the wait. I should send a copy to this guy Rodgers before they fry him & thank him. If I wasn't chasing him across the country I may never have heard of your great record. Keep up the good work & hope to hear a Vol. II in the future.

Leapin' Larry


Wedding Song

Hi Red,

I just have to tell you that your CD is hilarious..........My boyfriend tries to woo me to it every night! He even threatened to sing it at our wedding!! You are the greatest!

-Karen Sunshine


How's Your...

Red,

While driving to work today, I heard a couple of your songs on the Stern Show (I live near Boston). Wow! I laughed so hard I hit the car in front of me. Can I sue you?

-Jonathan


Kudos...

Red,

I drop off my 15 year old son at school on my way to the commuter train and we have heard your songs and enjoyed them very much. We guess you could call it a weird "Quality Time". We hope that your exposure on the Howard Stern Show brings you much success.

Stains would be proud.

Fans
-Bob & Dennis


Hi...

Red,

My dad is going to get your tape next week. He was trying to figure out the name of that song "Come (cum) Stains". He was like, oh yeah there was a dog by the name of "Cum". He is senile. He is only 43. He will be 44 July 12... I am 13 will be 14 August 21... Well, good luck, and I hope you get some money from that dickhead who stole your ideas...

-Michael


Howard Stern show

Red,

You've ruined my life. I can't get that damned song out of my head..."Hole family". Great stuff.

-Albodog


World's Greatest Fan Album Review-John Parks

In light of the worthless, weak-willed and totally clueless review from the twerp at SCREW mag, I have decided to rate the CD "I Laughed, I Cried I Fudged My Undies" as a whole...compilation. Also track by track input of how I feel about each song.

Here goes:

The Scale:

* Sucks almost as badly as some humorless puke at SCREW magazine
** Pretty damn bad. If you like this, you should work for SCREW magazine
*** Middle of the road. You don't subscribe to SCREW, but you look at it sometimes.
**** Very Freakin' Good. You have a sense of humor and an open mind.
***** An Absoulute Fu#*ing Classic. If you like this you should be President.

The Review, song by song:

Baby Blue Intro (featuring narration by Pinchloaf)
This track gives the listener a taste of what is to come and successfully informs the listener as to the origins of Red Peters. By setting the table for what lies down the road, the listener is both enlightened and given a preview that he or she can't resist. The next song on the album can't come soon enough thanks to this brilliant intro.
Rating: ****

Blow Me
How much more direct can ya be!!! This song grabs ya by the shorties and won't let go (as if you would want to anyway). Plus, how many of you fellas have ever had the stones to be like Red and just come right out and say it. This song not only entertains us, it lets us live our humble, servile oral desires through him. A knockout punch of a song, and in the very first round.
Rating: *****

How's Your Whole...Family?
A clever little ditty that once again appeals to the scoundrel in all of us. This song also covers nearly the entire spectrum of sexual activities from getting the pants down to getting a little polishing for your pipe. Some turd smoker at SCREW mag made a point in his review to use this song as his main target for ripping the CD. Maybe he hasn't had his pants taken down to the cleaners (or anywhere else) for some time. SRS (Sperm Retention Syndrome) has a way of making people cranky and humorless. Grab a clue bud, or at least grab your wood...handled broom and get rid of some of that bitterness.
Rating: ****

The Two Gay Irishmen
This song just absolutely FU#%ING SLAYS ME every time I listen to it. The Irish accent, the Irish names and the theme of this tune are just First Fucking Rate (sorry, but to do this song justice I just had to use the Fuck word). The best part is I can just picture a bus load of these fellers in the Irish countryside on such a trip.
Rating: *****

Rocket in My Pants
Again, a direct approach to laying it on the line when trying to obtain the puddin'. This song combines a wonderfully fluid musical arrangement with Red's determined but subltle confessions. This here song is Red at his vocal best. I'm considering playing this some night at home and seeing how well it goes over with the wife during a romantic moment.
Rating: ****

Holy Shit, it's Christmas
Finally, an original Christmas song that touches on all the Christmas taboos we have all thought of before. Everyone is tired of the same old Christmas Crap, like another horseshit cover of Jingle Bells or the "Whoever's Popular Now Christmas Album" of the same old boring stand by's. If anyone out there says they've never thought about Santa getting drunkor squeezing the cheese after a hard night of tippling and delivering toys, they're probably lying or just plain lame.
Rating: *****

Ballad of a Dog Named Stains
Clever, yet touching. Salacious, yet somehow heartwarming. The country-western style musical arrangement and Red's nostalgic portrayal of Grandpa almost make us feel like Stains was that little pup we may have had in our younger days. You can hear the passion in Red's voice as he laments the loss of Bobby and Stains. This is the "Old Yeller " of dog songs.
Rating: *****

The Dark Years
Whom among us doesn't have a past. We've all got some skeletons hidden somewhere, and most of us are too high minded to admit it. Not Red Peters. With brutal honesty Red takes us into the dark valley of his career's low points with this tune. Accompanied by the expert narration of Pinchloaf, we are able to see that although a man might be down and possibly out, he always comes...back on the sheer will of his heart and the truth of his talent.

Without this song on the CD I don't know if any of us could really truly appreciate all that Red has done. A biographical tour-de-force capsuled into a six minute song. Pure Genius.
Rating: *****

Little Peter
I like this song particularly because a man should feel that although "Peter" (or whatever name we may give him) is a part of him, it is also a companion, confidant, and friend. This tune lends creedence to the theory that no matter how alone a man might feel, he's always got a little buddy. So remember fellas, don't neglect your little pal for too long a time. You never know when you might need him.
Rating: ****

You Promised The Moon (But I Prefer Uranus)
Another sore point with the dork from SCREW. Let's face facts folks, damn near everyone has made those planetary Uranus jokes. Red Peters only takes it to a new and higher level. Once again, jazzy and cool musical accompaniment lays a nice foundation on which Red goes to work. Plus, who hasn't wanted to try, whether they be straight or gay, the old back door just to see what all the fuss is about.
Rating: *****

Baby Blue
The perfect way to wrap things up. Jazzy piano and Red's smooth voice lulling the listeneralong until that final word. Simple yet provocative. We all wish we could say that Baby Blue Me just a little more often.
Rating: *****

I will bypass review of the party mixes, simply because I feel the review of the album version of these tracks does justice to any mix that they are put to. Basically, this album Fucking Rules. I've had several friends listen to it and all have given positive, if not overwhelmingly enthusiastic, reviews to the humor and music contained in the CD. Overall the album receives from this reviewer 5 out of 5 stars on the aforementioned scale. Keep it coming Red, we need more stuff like this to counter balance all that crap out there.

Reporting for Who Gives a Shit Publications, I am John Parks. Thanks and see you down the road.

P.S. Anyone who disagrees with my review of this CD is free to eat shit.


Boogeyman Recovers

Hey Red,

Just this last December, I was all strung out on drugs, fighting with my girlfriend. So I just lost it; I took a .38 Smith&Wesson pistol, put it in my mouth and pulled the trigger. You can bet I was surprised to wake up in a hospital. It's a Goddamn miracle I'm still here.

Well, now that I've basically confessed my troubles in past months, I'll get to the point. One of the first few days that they let me out of the hospital, I went to a music shop, and found your album. I'd never heard of you before and nothing else sparked my intrests. Until I happend upon you, now since i'd never heard of you. I would normally just put it back but the "I LAUGHED.......I CRIED......I FUDGED MY UNDIES!" is what really put the hook in me. I played it and I loved it. Now there isn't a day that goes by without me listening to you. And I thank you, what for you might ask , helping in my recovery.

Oh by the way, my name is Steve, and I'm only 20 years old. But everyone else calls me Boogeyman; since I pretty much only come out at night.

An enternally grateful fan,

Steve
Boogeyman


Dying For Red Peters

Dear Red,

I love your CD. I listen to it constantly. I work as a paramedic on an ambulance, so me and my partner listen to it all the time. "How's Your Hole" has a great rhythm to do CPR to. "Blow Me" is great to play for patients who are real jerks. Are you gonna put out another album? Hard to get a lot of info here in Arkansas. Take care.

Chris


IMPORTANT Your e-mail is ...always welcome
    ...always "Read by Red"
    ...always responded to.

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